Only in America

When Shylock presented himself at the Immigration desk on arrival at New York’s JFK Airport, the ensuing interview proved to be quite enlightening. 

“Where are you from?” asked the official in charge.

“Venice”, said Shylock.

“Is that Venice New York, Venice Florida or Venice California?”

“Venice Italy”, said Shylock.

“There’s a Venice in Italy?” said the official, clearly shocked by the news. “I never knew that”.

“It’s been there quite a long time”, said Shylock. “You’d like it. It’s full of canals and very old buildings.”

“We’ve got some old buildings here, you know,” said the official, defensively. There are some in New York that are over a hundred years old. Can you beat that in your Italy?”

“Just about”, said Shylock.

“Italy”, said the official, “that’s not the same as Iran, is it? They both begin with an I and I’m not allowed to admit anyone from Iran.”

“No”, said Shylock. “They’re very different places. Italy’s in Europe.”

“Europe”, said the official. “I’ve heard of that. It’s a big country near England, isn’t it?”

Shylock reckoned that trying to teach geography to an American was probably a complete waste of time, and was therefore very glad when the questioning turned to a different theme.

“Mr Shylock”, asked the official, “what is your purpose in coming to America?”

“I want to start a new business here”, said Shylock. “I’m a moneylender, and there are some people back home who don’t take too kindly to the ways in which I persuade people to pay me what they owe. They take the line that bodily mutilation is going too far.”

“Bodily mutilation?”

“Yes. I charge extortionate rates of interest and threaten to cut bits out of my customers if they don’t pay up.”

“That sounds enterprising”, said the official. “We tend to use guns rather than knives over here when wanting to stress a point, but apart from that it sounds like a reasonable enough business model. And I like the notion of getting rich quick by squeezing every last penny out of your victims. Very American in tone.”

“I gather that some of your leading citizens made their fortunes that way and then turned to politics”, said Shylock.

“That’s very true”, said the official. “Dodgy businessmen can go a long way up the political ladder if they want to. Even right to the very top.”

“Is that so?” Shylock asked. “Do you reckon I could do the same?”

“You mean become President of the United States?”

“That’s the idea”, said Shylock.

“Ah – you might have a small problem there”, said the official.

“Not dishonest enough, you mean?”

“No, it’s not that”, said the official. “In order to become President you must have been born in the United States, and I assume that doesn’t apply to you.”

“Indeed so”, said Shylock, “but that’s because I wasn’t born”.

“You weren’t born?”

“No. I was created”.

"Created?”

“Yes. By William Shakespeare. I’m one of his best-known characters – from The Merchant of Venice.”

“But that’s just great”, said the official.

“Is it?”

“But of course! America is jam-packed full of creationists! We’re very big on the Book of Genesis, Adam and Eve and all that, so to have someone running for President who’s virtually Adam’s brother would be a dead cert to win, no problem at all!”

“Let’s get this straight,” said Shylock. “You’re saying that a low-down crook like me, with absolutely no sense of morality, who’s prepared to cheat his way to a fortune and doesn’t care who gets trampled in the mud as he does so, but who wasn’t actually born, could rise to the very top? Where in the world is that possible?”

“Only in America, Mr Shylock. Only in America.”

© John Welford