Fairies Versus Witches: a story

Macbeth had a bit of a shock as he crossed the blasted heath. There – gathered round a camp fire – were three mysterious other-worldly figures, namely Oberon, Titania and Puck.

“Wotcha”, said Oberon, “How are you doing?”

“What are you doing here?” asked Macbeth. ”I was expecting witches, not fairies.”

“Union rules”, said Titania. “We’re all members of the NUSB”.

“That’s the National Union of Supernatural Beings”, Puck added. “The witches are due their tea break so we’re filling in while they have it. Don’t worry, they’ll be back later.”

“And in the meantime”, said Oberon, “We’re at your service”.

“If I recall correctly”, said Macbeth, “You’re in the love potion business, and I don’t think that’s something I need.”

“We have a few other sidelines”, said Titania. “How about three wishes?”

“Three wishes?” said Macbeth. “I don’t recall Bill Shakespeare mentioning fairies granting wishes. That’s pantomime stuff.”

“How do you know he didn’t write pantomimes in his spare time?” said Puck. “He might have done for all you know”.

“Anyway”, said Oberon, “that’s the deal. We will grant you three wishes, subject to the usual rules.”

“Which are?”

“No wishing for more wishes, and be very careful what you wish for. We tend to take people at their word in this business, and things don’t always turn out as expected.”

“Mind you”, said Titania, “We’ve had quite a few successes and many of our clients have walked away very happy”.

“Such as?”

“Well”, said Oberon, “There was that guy from Liverpool who wanted the Blues to win the Premiership. And another guy from North London said exactly the same thing, oddly enough. We made sure that a team wearing blue did actually win, so both of them got what they wanted ... I think”.

“And what about all those people from America with funny voices?” said Titania. “They all wanted to be the ‘Republican nominee’ – whatever that is – and it was a bit tricky because they couldn’t all have their wish granted.”

“So what did you do?” asked Macbeth. “I wish you’d tell me, then I might have a clue how to phrase my own three wishes.”

Oberon was only too happy to explain. “We simply said that the Republicans would get the right guy if they played their cards right. We sat each of them down and played a few hands of whist. They soon got the message – namely that the trump card always wins”.

“And were they happy with that?” Macbeth asked.

“Well”, said Puck, “The guy with the silly hair was – I’m not so sure about the rest.”

“OK”, said Oberon, “Maybe we’d better hear what your two wishes are”.

“Two?” said Macbeth. “I thought you said I had three”.

“You weren’t listening, were you”, said Titania. “You’ve already used up one wish by saying ‘I wish you’d tell me’, so you’re definitely down to two now”.

“That’s not fair!” said Macbeth. “I wish you’d just be straight with me and not play all these tricks.”

“My God, you’re so stupid” said Titania. “And that’s being as straight as I can manage. Is it any wonder you don’t survive Act Five?  That’s two wishes down, one to go. Be very careful now.

“I just wish …” said Macbeth.

“Ye-ss?” said the fairies in chorus.

“ … I’d never set eyes on any of you!” said Macbeth.

“Your wish is our command” said Oberon, as he and the other fairies disappeared with a faint ‘pop’ and their places were taken by the witches that Macbeth had been expecting to meet in the first place.  

“Phew!” said Macbeth. “You don’t know how relieved I am to see you. At least with you witches I’ll get some straightforward predictions with no silly games. Everything you say will be straight down the middle and utterly devoid of hidden meanings.”

“Thanks for the vote of confidence,” said the leader of the witches. “When it comes to witches versus fairies you can always trust a witch. Mind you, I do have to agree with Titania on one fundamental point.”

“Which is?” asked Macbeth.

“You really are incredibly stupid”.

© John Welford