Royal conference

The truth must now be told about a secret royal conference that was held at Windsor Castle not long ago. The Queen had gathered a select coterie of royal predecessors and others to advise her on whether she should abdicate the throne.

“You see”, she said, “One is getting on a bit and one wonders whether it would not be better for one to pass the job on to another one, who for the sake of argument one could refer to as Two”.

“Och, you should be good for a few years yet”, said Macbeth. “You always look sturdy enough when you come to the Highland Games each year.”

“But that’s just the point”, said the Queen. “You always expect one to toss the first caber and one couldn’t get it further than five yards the last time one tried”.

“Maybe you’ve got a fair point there”, said Macbeth. “Perhaps hammer throwing is more in your line. I’ll invite Jeremy Corbyn next time to give you something to aim at.”

“But one is still thinking that maybe it’s time to step aside”, said Her Majesty. “Charles is always dropping subtle hints, like buying one a box set of ‘One’s Foot in the Grave’ for Christmas last year. One hasn’t forgotten the time he got one to open a retirement home and slashed the tyres on the royal car while one was busy cutting the ribbon. And you should hear the things he says when he thinks one has nodded off but is only pretending.”

“How sharper than a serpent’s tooth it is to have a thankless child”, King Lear offered.

“Nicely put”, said the Queen. “One of your own little sayings?”

“William Shakespeare”, said King Lear. “You must have seen the play?”

“Probably”, said the Queen. “But one never takes much notice of the words. Philip’s usually rabbiting on about how much he fancies the actress who’s playing Cordelia.”

“You’re lucky being able to talk about abdicating”, said Richard II. “I got shoved aside to make way for Henry IV Part I”.

“And I, in turn, had to hand over to Henry IV Part 2”, said Henry IV Part 1.

“I’m so glad you did”, said Henry IV Part 2. “But spare a thought for our grandson over there, Henry VI, who ended up in three bits”.

“We’re here to talk about me”, said the Queen, a bit tetchily. “But one is glad you mentioned grandsons, because one is wondering about skipping a generation if and when one gives up. One is not sure that the country is ready for Charles, what with his strange ideas about tree-hugging and homeopathy, but everyone likes William, given his helicopter and everything.”

“What’s a helicopter?” asked Richard III.

“It’s a wonderful flying machine”, said the Queen. “It can pick one up anywhere so one can parachute into the Olympic Stadium, as one once did – that was not a stunt double one hastens to add – and Phillip loves it when William flies him over the moors near Balmoral so he can take pot shots at the deer and anti-blood sport protestors.”

“You know”, said Richard III, “a flying machine would have been so useful at Bosworth. I can see it now –

‘A helicopter, a helicopter, my kingdom for a helicopter’ – Henry Tudor wouldn’t have stood a chance if I’d been able to say that.”

“But that would have been impossible”, said the Queen.

“On the grounds that helicopters hadn’t been invented in 1485?” asked Richard.

“No”, said the Queen. “On the grounds that that line would have broken all the rules of blank verse – far too many syllables”.

“Anyway”, she went on. “This is getting one nowhere. One has nearly made up one’s mind, but one needs to be sure that one has a decent speech to hand when one makes one’s announcement to the nation.”

“You can borrow mine”, said Prospero. “When I abdicated rule of my island and returned to Milan I made quite an affecting speech about breaking my staff and drowning my book.  It’s one of the best things I ever said”.

“No way is one drowning any books”, said the Queen. “When one has finished one’s book it goes straight back to the library – the fines are outrageous if one doesn’t. And did you say something about breaking one’s staff?”

“I did indeed” said Prospero.

“Well that settles it”, said the Queen. “One’s staff are essential. One always needs people to polish one’s tiara and feed the corgis. If abdicating means breaking up one’s staff then one is not doing it. One has every intention of being gloriously happy for a good while longer, thank you all very much.”

And that is precisely what happened. Given that you weren’t there, how do you know otherwise?

© John Welford