The challenge was to write a piece that ended with the words: 'Forget the Fish. We need to leave. Now!'
This is my effort - not to be taken at all seriously!
Forget the Fish
I had a hope, when we started tonight,
That, just this once, we would get something right.
No dreadful mistakes, or terrible flaws
To stop us receiving tons of applause.
Our audience large, delighted and wowed
We’d earn loads of cash and make our mums proud.
We’d perform all our tricks, end with a song.
But – oh dear – it’s all gone horribly wrong.
Perhaps what first got us into this mess
Was when I tripped and caught hold of your dress.
As the darned thing ripped and fell to the floor
The women all screamed, the men shouted ‘More!’
I just hope they heard my shouted out pleas:
The programme did not include a striptease.
And was it really such a good plan
When sawing the girl to use a large can
Of highly authentic bright red fake blood?
A smear is OK, but that was a flood.
The blue lights outside were not a good sign –
At least five people had dialed 999.
The card tricks were dud – could I find the Jack?
I wish you’d told me I’d brought the wrong pack.
Tapped with my wand, pulled the hat from my head
How was I to know the rabbit was dead?
And as for the doves, why didn’t you say
When windows are open birds fly away?
Now we’re approaching the end of the show
Do we continue, I ask – yes or no?
I have to say I’m beginning to doubt
If I can pull off the juggling with trout.
We have to admit our act’s a disgrace
A ripe tomato just hit me full face.
There’s not much point in us taking a bow -
Best forget the fish. We need to leave. Now!
© John Welford
That, just this once, we would get something right.
No dreadful mistakes, or terrible flaws
To stop us receiving tons of applause.
Our audience large, delighted and wowed
We’d earn loads of cash and make our mums proud.
We’d perform all our tricks, end with a song.
But – oh dear – it’s all gone horribly wrong.
Perhaps what first got us into this mess
Was when I tripped and caught hold of your dress.
As the darned thing ripped and fell to the floor
The women all screamed, the men shouted ‘More!’
I just hope they heard my shouted out pleas:
The programme did not include a striptease.
And was it really such a good plan
When sawing the girl to use a large can
Of highly authentic bright red fake blood?
A smear is OK, but that was a flood.
The blue lights outside were not a good sign –
At least five people had dialed 999.
The card tricks were dud – could I find the Jack?
I wish you’d told me I’d brought the wrong pack.
Tapped with my wand, pulled the hat from my head
How was I to know the rabbit was dead?
And as for the doves, why didn’t you say
When windows are open birds fly away?
Now we’re approaching the end of the show
Do we continue, I ask – yes or no?
I have to say I’m beginning to doubt
If I can pull off the juggling with trout.
We have to admit our act’s a disgrace
A ripe tomato just hit me full face.
There’s not much point in us taking a bow -
Best forget the fish. We need to leave. Now!
© John Welford
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