Partner Piece

The idea behind this is that it be read out by two people - the writer and an unsuspecting "victim" - at a session of a writer's group. Copies will be printed out for the two participants and the all-important page break is as indicated below.

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A: Have you seen what we’ve been asked to do for this week?

B: Something called “Partner Work” I believe.

A: Do you know what that is?

B: Haven’t a clue. What do you reckon it is?

A: I think the idea is that you write a piece that works a bit like a play – a conversation between two people so you read half the lines and somebody else reads the rest.

B: Like a dialogue in a play, you mean?

A: Exactly like a dialogue in a play. As I said just now, if you’d been listening.

B: Sorry. So have you written yours yet?

A: I’m working on it.

B: What’s it going to be about, then?

A: That’s what I’m working on. I want it to be interesting and informative. I hold to the principle that one should always write from experience – you should write what you know.

B: That should give you plenty of free time, then.

A: Thanks.

B: Don’t mention it. But seriously, I agree with you  – you can’t just waffle on for page after page, like you’re doing now, if I’m not mistaken.

A: As I said before – Thanks. But I have got an idea. What I really need is a thoroughgoing mug – I mean a fine upstanding citizen – who can be my partner and read out all the lines marked “B” if I read the lines marked “A”.

B: Got anyone in mind?

A: Funny you should mention that. I reckon you might be just the right candidate.

B: Why do you say that?

A: Good clear speaking voice, somebody who might scan their eyes down the first page of my script and think “This is a doddle, no problems here” and never give a thought to turning over to Page Two.

B: What happens on Page Two, then?

A: Do you really want to know?

B: I think I do.

A: Have you ever been on Mastermind?

B: You’re changing the subject now.

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A: So I am. Here we go then.

B: Do we?

A: Your name?

B:

A: Occupation?

B: Scribbler.

A: Specialised subject?

B: Words, names and phrases that I can pronounce but not many other people can.

A: OK – here we go then. Two minutes on – what you just said. What is the name of the first railway station you come to after crossing the Menai Straits on to Anglesey?

B: Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch.

A: Correct – or maybe not. What happens near Edinburgh on a Sunday morning after you and your mates have been recovering in the cells after downing far too much amber nectar the night before?

B: The Leith Police dismisseth us.

A: A valiant effort. And the longest word to be found in the works of William Shakespeare?

B: Honorificabilitudinitatibus.

A: Nearly. And how would you describe the rapid emergence of eight alternately coloured commercial vehicles on to the A447 at Cadeby?

B: Red quarry lorry, yellow quarry lorry, red quarry lorry, yellow quarry lorry, red quarry lorry, yellow quarry lorry, red quarry lorry, yellow quarry lorry.

A: As you say. The longest place name in the world?

B: Taumatawhakatangihangakoauauotamateaturipukakapikimaungahoronukupokaiwhenuakitanatahu.

A: Maybe. Oh dear, your time is up, which means that I can’t ask you for the complete chemical name of the protein titin, which as you probably know runs to nearly 200,000 characters and takes more than an hour to pronounce.

B: Oh dear, what a shame, never mind.

A: And will you be my partner the next time we do something like this?

B: Pass.

© John Welford