Proxy Buyer Beware

 

“Does my bum look big in this?”

The temptation to reply “Your bum would look big in anything, my dear” was nobly resisted, but only just.

Shopping was never Derek’s favourite occupation, and any faint enthusiasm he might have had disappeared completely when he was forced to accompany his wife Barbara on one of her expeditions. On this occasion she had insisted that they spend all day touring the shops and take lunch at one of the town’s better restaurants.

He therefore had no choice in the matter, given that she positively refused to cook anything that evening and if he wanted to get a decent meal today it was this option or nothing. At least Barbara had offered to pay for lunch, although everything else she bought would – as usual – be charged to his credit card.

She now appeared from the changing room holding two dresses, one red and the other green.

“Which do you think will look better on me?” she asked.

To his experienced eye the red dress looked a lot cheaper, so that was the one he chose.

“So what’s wrong with the green dress?” said Barbara. “I much prefer the green dress, so that’s the one I’m going to buy”.

Derek felt an impulsion to ask why she had bothered to offer him a choice, but he also knew that it would make no difference if he did. He soon found out that his initial fear about the price was a valid one. The green dress cost something over £100 more than the red one.

And that was how the morning proceeded. They visited just about every clothes shop in town, omitting only the ones that sold ladies apparel at what Derek considered to be sensible prices, and Barbara was delighted to add a number of classy new items to her wardrobe, at her husband’s expense.

Derek’s primary role was that of wielder of the credit card, but his secondary function – namely beast of burden - was called into play in no small measure. It was therefore with considerable relief that he was able to put down all the bags and packages when they reached the restaurant.

The menu was an impressive one and contained one of Derek’s favourite dishes, turbot with mushrooms and ginger. Barbara was paying, so that was what Derek chose.

“Have you seen the price of it?” Barbara said. “That’s far too expensive. You can jolly well have the scampi”.

So Derek had scampi for lunch.

After lunch, Barbara reminded Derek that it was her birthday the following week, and she knew exactly what she wanted for her present from her husband. So off they went to the jeweller’s shop where Derek soon found himself on the wrong end of a massive bill for a pearl necklace.

Derek reminded her that it was his own birthday not long after hers, and that there was a rather nice camera that he would quite like to have. He pointed it out to her in the shop window.

“Six hundred pounds for a camera?” Barbara exclaimed. “You have to be joking. You can have that little point-and-shoot one over there. Fifty pounds is quite enough to spend on a camera”.

Barbara then decided that she wanted to have her nails done, so she headed for a nail bar where a row of bored looking East Asian teenagers were beavering away making women’s hands look beautiful and probably earning only a pittance themselves.

“While I’m in here, you can go to the travel agent and see about our holiday for this year. I want you to come back with three possibilities and I’ll decide which one we’re going to choose. I want to go somewhere nice, but we’re not spending a fortune.”

Given that the family tradition had always been that the annual holiday was paid for by the lady of the house, this latter comment came as no surprise to Derek.

Half an hour later Derek rejoined Barbara at a nearby coffee shop and showed her the details of three holidays that he had discussed with the travel agent. Barbara did not take long to make her choice, plumping instantly for the cheapest option.

“Are you sure about that?” Derek asked.

“Of course I am”, Barbara said. “That one will do perfectly well for us. Now go back to the travel agent and make a firm booking”.

With all the shopping done and the holiday booked, Derek and Barbara headed for home. Barbara was delighted with her purchases, most of which had been paid for by her husband, and Derek looked somewhat satisfied with the day’s proceedings as well. Had Barbara glanced in his direction at any time she might have been puzzled as to why an enigmatic smile was playing around his lips, but this was not something that she bothered to do.

In the weeks that followed, Derek continued to be in an upbeat frame of mind, whistling happy little tunes to himself from time to time. Barbara was not used to this, and she started to wonder what Derek had to be so pleased about. Perhaps he was looking forward to going on the holiday they had booked?

That was precisely the reason, although Barbara was completely wrong about one aspect of it.

As Derek pointed out to her a week before their departure date, when it was far too late to cancel, the holiday he had booked - at her insistence - had been for over-60s only. Derek was 62, but Barbara a mere 58.

He would be delighted to take one of his friends from the bowls club to fill the otherwise vacant slot.

© John Welford