Invented saints

Great Britain (particularly but not exclusively England) abounds in towns and villages that take their names from those of saints. Examples include St Albans, St Ives and St Davids. However, with a little imagination, and tongue planted firmly in cheek, one can pretend that it is only accidents of typography that have prevented many other saints from receiving their due reward as British place names. Here are some suggestions.

St Evenage

Presumably the patron saint of new towns, he suffered martyrdom when he was hit by an overbalancing ticket machine at the town’s railway station, which is on the line from King’s Cross about 30 miles north of London. His sainthood comes from being overheard saying “Give me strength” as he exclaimed at the exorbitant price of the ticket and the fact that the machine had short-changed him. The miraculous strength he then obtained caused him to pull the machine over on top of him as he shook it.

St Ratford-upon-Avon

The patron saint of terrible Shakespearean actors met his end during a particularly dire performance of The Taming of the Shrew. His Petruchio convinced nobody, least of all the actress playing Kate (the Shrew) who took her part far too seriously and ended up beating him to death on stage in front of an audience of twelve (the rest of the audience having walked out some time before).

Ratford was observed lifting his eyes to the heavens several times before the fatal scene took place, but he was almost certainly searching for the prompt screen as he was notorious for forgetting his lines. However, having also forgotten to wear his contact lenses that night he was looking in entirely the wrong direction and would not have been able to read the screen anyway.

St Ansted

Ansted, or Ann Stead to give her preferred spelling, is the patron saint of queuing for hours at the airport when somebody, somewhere, has loused up in one way or another or has decided to go on strike for an indefinite period. On one famous occasion, when the queues went three times round the terminal building, Ann was noticeable as being the only person there who was not tearing their hair out with frustration. As somebody said: “She has the patience of a saint” – so a saint she became.

St Aines

Aines is the patron saint of really bad jokes. This is courtesy of his observation that if you say the words “Railing Staines” you sound like the Queen referring to Mick Jagger and his friends.

© John Welford