Ghost swap

Prologue

The ghosts should never have been allowed anywhere near the Internet, and certainly not the partner-swapping sites that seemed to fascinate them so much. It led to considerable confusion.

Scene 1. Elsinore Castle

Hamlet was enjoying a quiet evening cocoa when his mate Horatio turned up to tell him that there was a guy outside from Scotland who needed a quick word. “Show him in”, said Hamlet, “this could be interesting”.

When the swarthy bearded warrior was let in, he began straight away with: “Would you be Prince Hamlet by any chance?”

“I certainly am”, said Hamlet.

“Then perhaps you’d settle something that always puzzled me”, said the man. “You’re the Prince of Denmark, right? Son of the late King?”

“That’s right”.

“Then how come you’ve got a stupid name like Hamlet? Where I come from we noblemen are called things like ‘Thane of Glamis’ or ‘Thane of Lochaber’, like me. We take our names from important places. You’re not even a village, you’re a hamlet.”

“OK”, said Hamlet, “I’ve always wondered that myself. But maybe you could answer a question for me. What are you doing here in Elsinore? Do you want me to kill my uncle?”

“If not sure if that’s for me to say or not to say”, said Banquo. “I just wanted a change of scene that didn’t involve haggis in any shape of form. Can’t stand the stuff.”

“So what’s happening back at your place? Who’s putting the wind up Macbeth if you’re here? My dad?”

“Could be”, said Banquo. “But you’ll have to wait for Scene 2 to find that out”.

Scene 2. The Palace, Forres

The feast was in full swing when Macbeth spotted someone sitting in the wrong place at the table. Not only that, but they appeared to be in the wrong costume and the wrong century.

“According to the script”, he hissed, “you should be the ghost of Banquo. But, because I’ve cheated and already read Scene 1, I know that he’s at Elsinore. But you don’t look much like Hamlet’s father to me.”

“That”, said the apparition, “is because I’m the ghost of Julius Caesar. I’m here because I always wanted to say the immortal line ‘and you, you brute’ in the wrong play. And now I have.”

Scene 3. Near Philippi

Brutus was expecting a ghostly visitation on the eve of battle, but only one. What he got was a committee, some of whom were wearing crowns and one of whom was a woman.

“Who the hell are you lot?” he asked.

“I’m King Henry VI” said the ghost of King Henry VI. “We represent the victims of King Richard III. I’m sorry about the Duke of Clarence – he’s still pi-eyed from all that malmsey he was drowned in.”

“I’m none the wiser”, said Brutus. “I’ve never heard of any of you”.

“That’s because we’re from nearly fifteen centuries into your future and from a country that your mate Julius tried to invade but didn’t quite manage. The original idea was that we would tell Richard that he was about to die in battle, but seeing as the same applies to you anyway, we’ll do just as well”.

“Well, I suppose that’s fair enough”, said Brutus.

“By the way”, said Henry, “I don’t suppose you’ve bumped into the ghost of Hamlet’s father anywhere, have you? We’ve sort of lost him.”

“No, sorry”, said Brutus.

The ghost of Lord Hastings, who used to have a castle at Ashby and therefore knew the area quite well, suggested that Hamlet’s dad might have gone to the wrong battlefield near Market Bosworth, as so many had done over the centuries.

“The thing that worries me”, said Brutus, “is I don’t see the writer can possibly end this story with a decent punch line. Do you think he can?”

“Not a ghost of a chance”, said Henry.

© John Welford