Immediate response

(With apologies to William Shakespeare)

It is not generally appreciated that Horatio, Hamlet’s friend, had quite a profitable sideline as a driving instructor and examiner, so it was no great surprise when he found Hamlet sitting next to him ready to take his test.

“So why do you want to be a driver?” asked Horatio. “As a prince, surely you can be driven anywhere you want? You don’t need to get behind the wheel yourself”.

“All sorts of reasons”, said Hamlet. “I want to take Ophelia to a nunnery for one thing, and I have this idea about driving to northern France and especially going straight through Arras without stopping. It’s a sort of private joke I’ve got with Polonius”.

“I see,” said Horatio. “We’d better get on with the test, then.”

Things went reasonably well as the test proceeded, although Hamlet did have a bit of a problem with the three point turn. Only making three points seemed to be quite beyond him as he entered into every possible aspect of the problem to hand, and the eventual 78 point turn did not earn him a very high mark.

“I want to you make the emergency stop next”, said Horatio. “When I slap my hand on the dashboard I want your immediate response and a safe, controlled stop.”

“You want me to stop?” asked Hamlet.

“That’s the idea”, said Horatio. “Do you have a problem with that?”

“To stop or not to stop, that is the question”, said Hamlet.

“There’s no question about it”, said Horatio. “If you want to pass this test, you’d better stop when I tell you to.”

Needless to say, Hamlet did not stop when Horatio slapped the dashboard. He did not do so the second time Horatio gave the signal either, or the third. However, when Horatio was least expecting it, as they were sliding round a sharp left-hand bend going far too fast, Hamlet duly applied the brakes with full force. The car slid across the road, hit two parked cars on the other side then bounced back and collected an unfortunate cyclist who flew through the air and landed on the road, head first.

Horatio and Hamlet jumped out of the car and ran to his aid, but it was clearly too late. There could be little doubt that the man had breathed his last. Hamlet suddenly realised that he knew who he was.

“Alas, poor Yorick! I knew him, Horatio: a fellow of infinite jest, of most excellent fancy.”

“Well, he’s not jesting much now, is he?” said Horatio. “And I don’t much fancy your chances when the Police turn up, which will be in about three minutes flat.”

A sudden thought crossed Hamlet’s mind. “About the test …” he said.

“What about it?” said Horatio.

“Have I passed or have I not passed? That is the question”.

Horatio was able to put Hamlet’s mind at rest quite quickly on that one. “I have never heard of a case yet in which a learner driver killed a cyclist during the driving test and was subsequently given a pass. It just doesn’t happen.”

“You couldn’t see your way to making an exception in my case, could you?” asked Hamlet. “For a friend?”

“Absolutely not!”

“Oh dear”, said Hamlet. “That means I’m going to have to ask to Ophelia to get herself to the nunnery. And I won’t be able to take Polonius to Arras.”

“Tough luck”, said Horatio.

But then Hamlet had a sudden bright idea. “My mother has got a hanging tapestry in her room that she always calls her arras. I shall go to it and do what I was going to do at the place in France, but I shall drive straight through it with my sword instead of the car. Do you think Polonius will get the point?”

“I think there’s every possibility”, said Horatio.

© John Welford