28 pounds: a story

The judge who heard the case of Shylock’s bankruptcy had no objection to accepting the latter’s invitation to dinner a month or so after the proceedings had concluded. It would have seemed to the casual observer that the learned gentleman was frequently persuaded to partake in any activity that involved large quantities of free food, given the extent of his waistline. Any bench on which m’lord sat to give judgment would doubtless have had to be strongly reinforced to prevent scenes of embarrassment should his vast bulk have led to a disastrous collapse.

“So, Mr Shylock”, said the judge as he wiped his mouth after his third extra helping of sticky toffee pudding, “how have you been getting on lately? Any ideas for future income generation?

“Well”, said Shylock, “It’s funny you should mention that, Judge. I have already started a venture that takes my previous business model a stage further.”

“All legal and above board, I trust?” asked the judge.

“But of course”, said Shylock. “How could you possibly think otherwise?

“I can’t imagine”, said the judge.

Shylock proceeded to enlighten the judge.

“If you recall”, he said, “I was formerly in the moneylending trade, and I had an interesting method of persuading people to pay up on time. This involved the extraction of one pound of flesh, from whichever part of their body I decided on at the time.”

“How could I ever forget?” said the judge. “I seem to remember that this was the start of the slippery slope as far as you were concerned, leading to the sorry financial state that brought you to my court.”

“Indeed so”, said Shylock. “But it was also what gave me the idea for starting afresh.”

“You intrigue me”, said the judge. “I don’t see how mutilating people’s bodies and possibly causing them to bleed to death could ever be regarded as both profitable and legal.”

“I assume”, said Shylock as he viewed the vast bulk of the man sitting opposite him, “that you have not given weight loss much active thought of late?”

The judge looked offended. “Are you saying I’m fat?” he asked.

“Well,” said Shylock, “if you were to lose just a little bit of weight you might find it easier to perform certain actions – getting through doorways for example”.

“You might have a point”, the judge conceded. “But I do love my food and I’d hate to be forced to eat nothing but lettuce and vitamin pills”.

“But that’s why my scheme is so brilliant”, said Shylock. “You lose the weight but go on eating just as much as you want. When you think you’ve returned to where you were before, you come back to me and we start all over again.”

“So what do you do?” asked the judge.

“It’s called liposuction,” said Shylock. “I don’t just remove one pound of unsightly fat, I use my recently acquired surgical skills to suck out as many pounds as you want. Under anaesthetic, of course – I’ve learned my lesson as far as that’s concerned”.

“I’m intrigued”, said the judge. “I reckon I could lose a couple of stone quite happily. And you say it’s completely painless?”

“That depends on which package you decide to purchase”, said Shylock. “Some of my patients who have gone for the cheaper options have reported feeling just a modicum of unbearable agony during the procedure.”

“Well in that case put me down for the top of the range option”, said the judge. “What will the cost be, anyway?”

“For 28 pounds?” said Shylock. “Including the anaesthetic, that will come, coincidentally, to just £28”.

“That’s amazing”, said the judge, “where do I sign?”

“Right here”, said Shylock, who whipped out the contract that he had already prepared in the firm expectation of just such an outcome.

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A few weeks later the judge and Shylock met again, once the liposuction had taken place to the immense satisfaction of the former, although – if truth be told – the loss of a mere 28 pounds to his waistline did not make a huge amount of difference to the casual observer of before and after.

“Have you come to pay your bill?” asked Shylock.

“I certainly have”, said the judge as he wrote his cheque. “Pay Mr Shylock the sum of 28 pounds sterling … ”

“Oh dear”, said Shylock, “I don’t think you can have read the small print on the contract. I never said that the whole operation would be performed for £28 in total”.

“That’s true”, said the judge. “You must have meant £28 per pound. That’s much more reasonable from your point of view. I think that comes to £784, so I’ll just make out another cheque.”

“Oh dear again”, said Shylock. “You clearly missed the even smaller print. Although we work in pounds when calculating the amount of fat to be removed, as far as payment terms are concerned we’ve gone metric – it’s amazing how many people don’t realise that. It’s not £28 pounds per pound – it’s £28 per gram. And I’ve reversed my old ‘pound of flesh’ threat – if people don’t pay up I push the fat back in – and to any part of their anatomy that I see fit. It can produce some highly amusing results.

“£28 per gram?” said the ashen-faced judge. “But that will come to an enormous amount.”

“It certainly will”, said Shylock. “To be precise, and rounding down to the nearest pound sterling – I can be generous at times – the sum owed by you to me, with the full weight of contract law to back me up, is £355,616”.

© John Welford