To the entire population of the planet Zarg.
I am deeply honoured and humbled to be invited to become
your supreme Deity, and I am delighted to accept. This advancement will look
absolutely great on my CV and will no doubt be an obvious talking point at any
future job interviews. One quick question – is the post hereditary? If so, I am
sure that my son will fill the post admirably when the time comes.
I have to admit to a degree of puzzlement as to why you have
singled out little old me for this special role, given the countless other
billions of sentient beings in the known universe, at least some of whom must
be every bit as qualified as me – and some perhaps even more so. Presumably
you’ve come across some of the articles I’ve written on various subjects and
realised that such undoubted talent cannot go unrewarded. Maybe it was my
analysis of Craig Raine’s poem “A Martian Sends a Postcard Home” that gave you
the idea – I can see how aliens from other worlds might appreciate that one.
I am also astonished that you were able to read my blog from
such a long distance. Correct me if I’m wrong, but I understand Zarg to be at
least a thousand light years away from Planet Earth, so your ability to read
items on our Internet, so soon after they have been written, suggests that you
have access to broadband that is considerably faster than ours and would indeed
appear to contradict all the known laws of physics. I only hope that this reply
reaches you with the same sort of speed, although I fear that by the time your
planet gets to read it the intended recipients will long since have been
pushing up whatever counts as daisies in your neck of the Universe.
No matter. Let’s assume that such minor details can be set
aside and we are able to proceed with the arrangement you have suggested,
namely that for all intents and purposes I will act as your god with immediate
effect.
As far as worship goes, I can assure you that my demands
will be modest. As you may already know, the people of Planet Earth have gone
to great lengths to construct places of worship for their various deities, and
many of these buildings have turned out to be remarkable and beautiful
edifices. My own country is awash with what we call cathedrals – utterly
stupendous places that we would certainly not want to be without – but they are
a devil to heat and cost an absolute fortune to maintain. So I just want to say
that you don’t need to go those extremes on my behalf – nothing larger than a
3-bed semi is really necessary. If my worship cult takes off in a big way you
just build more of them, and if it tails off you’ve then got a ready source of
affordable housing.
You’ll need to decide which day of the week to worship me
on. Do you have days and weeks, by the way? I’ve no idea how fast your planet
spins round, so your day might be as long as our week anyway, or all be over in
half an hour. A worship day that was that long or short could be a problem for
all concerned.
On the assumption that your days are the same as ours, could
I ask that you avoid Mondays and Fridays? I’ve got this part-time evening job
on a Monday and I’m busy at New Bold Words on Friday mornings. If I’m being
worshipped I’d rather like to be able to wallow in the full effect without too
many interruptions, if that’s OK by you.
As for prayers, they will of course be acceptable and I’ll
do what I can to answer them, but I do suggest that you get hold of a copy of
“Bruce Almighty” before you start encouraging your people to start praying in
bulk. As you will discover when you watch the film, your average deity can get
completely overwhelmed if this sort of thing gets out of hand, and even with
supernatural powers it can prove to be a real downer if you can’t give every
prayer its proper consideration. Quality is always better than quantity, in my
opinion.
As for the sort of deity I’ll turn out to be, I’d better
make it perfectly clear at the outset that I’m all in favour of personal
morality – up to a point – and I’m a real stickler for justice and fair
dealing, but I’m not really into thunderbolts and smiting. Wrongdoers can
expect a severe ticking off, but that will probably be as far as it goes. If
you can have a laid back god, that’s me.
Oh, wait a minute, I can see that another email has just
come in. This is from the planet Teleos – they apparently want me to be their
everlasting deity as well. How flattering! And here’s another – apparently
there’s a planet called Gotcha …
OK, you bunch of losers, you’re that lot I met down at the
pub last night, aren’t you? Guess what – I take back what I just said about
thunderbolts and smiting. I think I feel a smite coming on …
© John Welford
☺️☺️☺️
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