A Rose By Any Other Name

(With sincere apologies to William Shakespeare)

When the Valentine’s card landed on the mat at the Capulet residence it was quickly seized by Mr Capulet before young Juliet could get her hands on it.

“What’s this?” he said. “Have you got a boyfriend I don’t know about?”

“What if I have?” said Juliet. “That’s my business. I can have a boyfriend if I like.”

“I want to know if he’s suitable,” said her father. “I can’t allow the Capulet name to be sullied by anyone who doesn’t match my exacting standards”.

“Don’t worry, Dad,” said Juliet. “He’s isn’t black, or Muslim, or a Scientologist.”

“He doesn’t support Manchester United, does he?” said Mr Capulet. “I couldn’t stand that at any price.”

“No he doesn’t,” said Juliet. “He’s a season ticket holder at Leicester City. Is that OK?”

“How tall is he?” asked Mr Capulet. “I don’t want you going steady with a dwarf or anyone over six foot three.”

“Dad, you are so prejudiced,” said Juliet. “I can assure you that he is neither too short nor too tall, too fat or too thin, he has two eyes, two ears, no moustache or beard, and is in every way a thoroughly respectable and presentable young man.”

A sudden thought crossed Mr Capulet’s mind.

“Oh my goodness”, he said. “He’s not by any chance … you know … “

“I know what, Dad?”

“He couldn’t possibly be … ?”

“Possibly be what?

“You know!”

“No, Dad, I won’t know until you tell me. What is this awful thing you don’t want him to be?”

“He couldn’t … just couldn’t be … left-handed, could he?”

“No, Dad, he isn’t left-handed, so put your mind to rest on that score. He’s as right-handed as you are.”

“Phew, that’s a relief!” said Mr Capulet. “For one awful moment …”

With this fundamental point resolved, Mr Capulet had only one question left to ask his daughter.

“So what’s his name, then?”

“Romeo.”

“What? Romeo? You can’t be serious. What are you thinking of?”

“What’s the problem, Dad? What’s in a name?”

“But that name – Romeo!”

“So what?”

“That’s the name David Beckham gave his second son!”

“Oh my goodness,” said Juliet, “I’d forgotten that!”

“Do you really want to be reminded of the Beckhams every time you use your boyfriend’s name?”

“Of course I don’t!” said Juliet. “I can’t think of anything worse.”

“So what are you are going to do about it?” asked her father.

“This”, said Juliet, as she tore up the Valentine’s card and dropped it in the bin.

© John Welford