(With apologies to the sacred WS)
It was the day of the Stratford-upon-Avon annual fete and
sports day, and most of the Bard’s characters had turned up to try their best
at outdoing each other.
The prize for flower arranging was surely going to be a
shoe-in for Ophelia. Her inclusion of fennel, rosemary and rue among the
pansies, daisies and columbines added a touch of originality that others would
surely struggle to match.
Desdemona was going for the embroidery prize with a
handkerchief she had designed. Unfortunately she seemed to have dropped it
somewhere and was hoping that somebody had found it and handed it in to Lost
Property. Mind you, it was only a handkerchief, and surely no real consequences
would follow if it didn’t get back to her.
In the pickles, sauces and condiments tent the judges were
ever-so-slightly worried about tasting the items on offer, given the reputations
of some of the contributors. Claudius and Laertes were competing against each
other with their henbane delight and aconite surprise, while over on the beers
and spirits table there was some concern over whether Cleopatra’s snakebite was
as safe as she claimed it to be.
On the sporting front, the main interest seemed to be in the
fencing contest, as many of the characters seemed to be excellent swordsmen.
The organisers fervently hoped that there would be somewhat fewer fatalities
this year than last, when the body count had been particularly high.
However, a sudden blast of trumpets announced that the final
of the sumo wrestling contest was about to take place. Everyone rushed to the
main arena where two enormous competitors were ready to do battle.
The warriors emerged from their respective tents – Sir Toby
Belch on one side and Sir John Falstaff on the other. They were the reason why
the cakes, pastries and pies competition had had to be abandoned early – not only
had this pair eaten all the pies, but most of the cakes and pastries as well.
When the judge dropped his flag – which Desdemona was relieved
to see was actually her handkerchief – the wrestlers began circling each other
and stamping the ground as they looked for an opportunity to gain a hold. Sir
Toby made a grab for Sir John’s girdle – it was the one that Puck had put round
the Earth in forty minutes, which gives you some idea of its size. However, Sir
John was careful to sway out of reach and thus thwarted the attempt.
Sir John went for the direct approach, namely barging at Sir
Toby and hoping to knock him backwards. Sir Toby stood his ground and the two
grunted and swore as they stood belly to belly in the middle of the arena. It
was hardly a pretty sight, but the crowd loved it as each person cheered on
their preferred fighter, with support being evenly divided between the two.
With the two men being so close together it was possible to
see that Sir John had probably consumed a few more pies than Sir Toby had
managed. The extra weight eventually started to have its effect as Sir Toby was
forced to give way. Red in the face and fighting for breath he could hold out
no longer and fell backwards, landing on the ground with an impact that everyone
in Stratford could feel as the Earth shook, compounded by a second blow as Sir
John could no longer keep his balance and fell directly on top of Sir Toby.
The contest was over and Sir John was acclaimed the undoubted
winner.
Next day’s newspapers carried the full story of the
Stratford earthquake, coupled with news of Sir John’s victory. The main
headline read: “Survival of the Fattest”.
© John Welford
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