The Lear Family's Resolutions

(With heartfelt apologies to William Shakespeare)

On the morning after the night before, namely New Year’s Eve, Mr Lear sat round the breakfast table with his three daughters and his old friend, whom he liked to call “Fool”.

Mr Lear had lost his wife some years before. Or maybe she had lost him. They had been going round Sainsbury’s, he had set off for the wines and spirits while she headed for the Deli counter and that was the last they ever saw of each other. She might still have been there for all Mr Lear knew.

“OK”, said Mr Lear, “who’s going to make a New Year’s resolution?”

“I will”, said Regan. “I resolve to marry someone who’s extremely rich then go off and forget all about all of you, especially you, Dad.”

“Me too”, said Goneril, “You are a complete loser, Dad, and I can’t wait to see the back of you. As it happens, I’ve already got someone waiting to whisk me off to his place where I resolve to live life to the full and never darken your door again!”

“That wasn’t quite what I was expecting”, said Mr Lear. “Don’t tell me you feel the same, Cordelia? I couldn’t bear it if you all upped and left me.”

“Who are you kidding?” said Cordelia. “What makes you think I’m going to hang around here with my sisters out of the way? It’s bad enough putting up with you when I’ve got Goneril and Regan for support, but without them – no way! My resolution is to get out of here as soon as possible!”

With that, the sisters flounced out of the room to see if there was any more vodka left over from the previous night’s party.

Mr Lear looked across to where Fool was sitting in the corner. “Now what do I do?” said Mr Lear. “I haven’t had a chance to tell them what my resolution is”.

“And what is that?”

“I was going to sell up, cash in all my shares and annuities and go and live in sheltered accommodation in Bournemouth. My resolution was to divide most of my not inconsiderable fortune between my daughters as thanks for how nice they’ve been to me all these years. But now that they’ve said what their resolutions are, I wonder if I’m doing the right thing”.

“I wouldn’t worry if you were you”, said Fool, “Nobody actually keeps their New Year’s Resolutions, do they? They may say that they’re going to abandon you, but do you really think they will?”

A smile passed across Mr Lear’s face. “Thank you for that, Fool. I’ll let you into a secret – I was going to tell the girls about my resolution but I had absolutely no intention of carrying it out”.

“Well that’s all right then”, said Fool. “If none of you actually do what you resolved, everything should work out fine”.

“That’s such a relief”, said Mr Lear. “But you didn’t say what your resolution was”.

“Oh that’s easy”, said Fool. “My resolution is the same as it’s always been, namely to always offer you sound and fully considered advice on which you can rely absolutely to get you out of trouble”.

© John Welford