Rising to the Challenge

(with apologies to William Shakespeare)

Pistol and Nym rang the bell on Sir John’s door but got no response. The followed this with many knocks and kicks, but answer came there none.

Given their wide experience as thieves and housebreakers it did not take them long to find a way in and they were soon standing by Sir John’s bedside. A huge lump under the bedclothes gradually rose and fell and a noise not unlike that of a medium-sized outboard motor issued from the bearded object at one end that was Sir John’s head. On the floor were at least a dozen empty beer bottles, the contents of which had clearly proceeded down the hole from which now issued the aforementioned noise.

During the previous evening at the Boar’s Head, which had also involved the ingestion of much alcohol, Sir John had told his friends about his plan to have his wicked way with two married women in Windsor. The plan involved Pistol and Nym taking love messages to the two wives, after which Sir John would turn up and turn on the charm.

Pistol and Nym weren’t so keen on the idea, but they reckoned that it would be a bit of a laugh to see their fat friend trying it on with two highly respected ladies of the town, hence their arrival at his house the following morning.

Clearly nothing would happen if Sir John stayed snoring in bed, so the first task was to rouse him from his slumbers. They began with the usual methods of shaking and shouting, but to no avail.

They then tried playing loud music at him, particularly of the kind that usually had Sir John tearing the walls down. The obvious candidates – Val Doonican and James Blunt – had no effect, so they upped the tempo with gradually worse performers all the way up to the most terrible of them all – Elton John – but they soon realised that their own sanity was at grave peril if they persisted too long with that approach, so went for another line.

Water suggested itself as a method, so several bucketsful were dumped on to the bed. The only result was to transform a dry snoring lump into a wet snoring lump.

If water failed, how about fire? Pistol suggested torching the bed, but Nym pointed out that not only was this likely to endanger three lives and not merely one, but this was impractical due to the now sodden condition of the bedclothes.

In desperation they tried tipping the bed on its side, but soon abandoned that effort for fear of putting their backs out permanently.

Nym then had a brainwave. Knowing Sir John’s past life in graphic detail he also knew what he most feared. He therefore crept up to his right ear and shouted the three words that Sir John feared above all: “Child Support Agency”.

The effect was immediate. Sir John came to life and shot bolt upright. “Where are they ? Where are they? Keep them away from me!”

He then saw his two friends who were laughing their stupid heads off on the other side of the room.

“We’ve come to see you try your hand at adding two more conquests in Windsor”, said Pistol. “That is your challenge for today. Mind you, given the skinful you’ve had, and the problems we’ve had to get you out of bed, it’s not a case of rising to the challenge, because it’s the rising that’s actually the challenge!”

© John Welford