Away with the Fairies

(With profound apologies to William Shakespeare)

Helen was having a bad time. She had the hots for Denny, but Denny, for reasons that were beyond her and all her friends, was far more interested in Mia. Mia, it appeared, had no interest at all in Denny because she wanted to get off with Zander. And as for what Zander wanted, who cared?

God, what a mess!

Tonight was the night of the college Summer Ball – lots of dressing up, general stupidity and possibly the use of dubious substances. Helen reckoned that the latter might be the answer to her problem.

The night before, Helen had come across Ron, a guy who gave every impression of batting for the other side and was known in certain circles as the “king of the fairies”. He had a friend, a chemistry student whom he simply referred to as “Me Duck”, who had produced something in the lab that – according to Ron – was quick acting and designed to lower inhibitions, if she knew what he meant.

“It’s a sort of all-purpose Viagra”, said Ron. “It doesn’t matter if you’re male or female, one drop of this in your drink and you’ll go weak at the knees for the first person you encounter afterwards”.

Helen reckoned that this could be the answer she was looking for. All she had to do was make sure that Denny got a slug of “magic potion” in her presence and he would instantly switch his allegiance from Mia to her. It was the dream solution!

And now the time had arrived! There they all were – Denny, Mia, Zander, Ron, and a strange female – or possibly a half-and-half - who had clearly had an absurd boob-job and was known to all and sundry as “Tits Anna”.

At the bar Ron introduced Helen to Me Duck, who was organising the drinks. “Has he got the stuff?” Helen asked Ron.

“Sure have”, said Me Duck. “I’ve already dropped it in the drinks.”

“What?” said Helen. “How do you know that Denny will get the right one?”

“Cause I’ve dropped in it all the drinks. I don’t know who the right guy is, so I made sure he’s going to get it anyway.”

With that, Me Duck swept up the tray of drinks and marched across the room to the table where the gang were all sitting. In a panic, Helen tried to stop him but only succeeded in tripping over a barstool and falling flat on the floor. When she got up she was just in time to see both Denny and Zander take a large swing of their drinks.

"No!” she screamed, “You’ve got it all wrong!”

Her shout attracted the attention of both boys who, having taken their swig, stared straight at her.

As one, Denny and Zander both stood up and advanced in her direction. “Well, look at you!” they said in unison. “A night of passion awaits!”

Mia also jumped up, having seen her would-be boyfriend suddenly snatched away by another woman. “What the hell are you doing?” she exclaimed, then took a huge gulp of her drink to calm herself. This did not have the intended effect, because she then stared straight at her love rival, namely Helen, and became the third person that night to find her insanely attractive.

Ron became the fourth, and Tits Anna the fifth.

Before long, clothes were flying off in all directions and Helen disappeared under a heap of writhing bodies.

And that, m’Lud, is the story of the Midsummer Dream’s Nightmare.

© John Welford